Hey guys I'm really truly sorry about Sunday. I had it all planned out so that I wouldn't forget - and then I forgot. It was late and dark here and we ate some pasta and turned on a movie and my brain turned off. I hope you don't think that this means that I'm not thinking about you - cause it's not true. I feel horrible about the Skype incident - and I was really looking forward to talking to everyone at once. Trust me, it would have been just as cathartic for me as it might have been for you, if not moreso - to see everyone at once. You've all been in my dreams a lot lately and I can't wait to get back to be with you again.
Sometimes I get worried about where I'll live in America or what jobs I'll be able to find, or what programs I should be applying to - I have these moments of panic, and then it all comes back to me - my self-confidence and telling myself - its cool. Give er time. I'm making progress in my life at my own pace and I'm proud of myself (not all the times, but in moments of revelation or something). It's really important to love what you are doing I've learned - otherwise you fall into a bottomless pit of self-doubt and anxiety about your life. Yeah - sometimes I do look at my life and wonder - am I making progress here? Or am I just procrastinating? Am i doing what I said i would do? Of course, I'm not always happy with the answers, but i think that as long as I put the energy out there I think things will come together in the end. I just gotta keep making baby steps in the right direction. Work for experience, not money. That's critical - and I haven't gotten there yet.
I see how your lives are all progressing and sometimes I'm jealous of the stability you seem to have. I know that sounds silly and its not altogether true, I do enjoy these strange situations I put myself in, but I also sometimes wonder - when am I going to have a home? a big awesome kitchen? steady job? a car? a family of my own? and so on. Anywho, I think it takes time. Some people don't get to a place where they are happy with what they are doing until they are in their middle ages. middle ages? i think i meant mid-life. or something.
Why I am I going on a big long rant? I guess I feel like I really let you down and i just want you to know whats going on with me and that I actually think about you all a lot more than you know. I hope you can forgive my lame disappointment. If you ever wanna call me when I'm not on skype there's a thing where you can call regular phones through skype. It works great. You just put like 5 bucks on your skype account and it lasts forever. then you can dial my number (7 812 420 7128) and it doesnt matter where i am or what i'm doing i can get your call. just try and remember that im 8 hours ahead.
Big love, and look forward to talking to you i hope....
Sara
