(from a couple days ago)
I feel very discombobulated living out of a bag, with a new phone number where no one can reach me. no vehicle. computer in another state. same dirty pair of underwear & dirty jeans. i wonder how long it will be before i get my energy back. i hate the thought of going back to egypt still in this permanent state of fatigue. i'm also embarrassed that people I haven't seen in so long will have to see me like this - a vegetable. i haven't accomplished much of anything - and that's fine - it's only been a week - but it feels like forever. each day that passes without some kind of accomplishment is a little slap in the face. there are people out there - friends of mine - who are like that, workaholics, always on the ball - always in the game.
i should be a little more careful about coming home and try to take things slower. send less mass emails announcing my arrival and just let time be. disappoint less.
I am trying to learn how to enjoy the small things: sitting on the porch with a book, taking care of myself, learning how to communicate better. Most of all, to learn how to be where I am. Right now the best thing I can do for myself is to not make too many plans - to sleep when I'm tired, to take vitamins, and sleep some more. I have to recognize that I've got all the time in the world. I will get around to being a photojournalist and being on the ball when I'm good and ready. I just have to understand that and all that anxiety about "the clock is ticking" will fall away.
(from today)
Health-wise, I've come full-circle. It's been two months since I came down with tonsillitis. In Egypt I took antibiotics and penicillin. Back here, I'm already on my 2nd course of antibiotics, the same course they started me on two months ago. It's clearly viral and resistant to the antibiotics. that's a no-brainer.
Even though I tested negative for Celiacs disease my mom is convinced if I cut out Gluten from my diet for a month, my immune system will have a chance to recover and I will have my old self back again - energy and all. It seems almost too simple. But it worked for her several years ago. Turned her life around. Now you can't hardly find anything with wheat or gluten in it in the whole house, except for Tom's cereal. So on top of the antiobiotics, the 3,000 mgs of Vitamin C a day, and the probiotics, I'll try to cut out Gluten, which means no beer and whiskey. ??? Good luck right?!
But if i can log on here in a months time and say that my tonsils aren't swollen and I'm not feeling tired all the time, what a blessing that would be. It's almost worth it. All i want, more than anything else in the world, is to have my old healthy self back again. Amen.
