i've got dreams

dreams. dreams to remember. 

2011 is just around the corner and i'm still not a river guide. that dream slipped away in the tide of living abroad i guess. in any case - i think i have a new years resolution. then again, this might take a couple years. eventually i'd like to get my ass to Grand Canyon every summer and get on that Colorado - the dream that was sparked for me in high school over a decade ago. baby steps.

which way

and the days drag on at the magazine. the hum of computer screens, the sickly flourescent lights annoint me with a feeling of scum. i must get out. the sadness penetrates today. the only cure: to go running in the rain.

all day it was my mind going back and forth between which path to take next. to abandon the officespace altogether and take to the outdoors. urban farming? working with youth in the creative arts? river run? or should i start shipping flyers to every publication in the city and keep trying my hand at picture-taking. 
an eternal  doublethink. it appears at nearly 28 i don't entirely know what i want, or whether i can hack doing what i want, but i suppose i'm edging closer.

my best friend tells me that whenever i come home to philly i'm always ready to jump on the next social situation that lies ahead. that she's been waiting years to point it out - that sometimes she worries that if there's a lull in the conversation, i'll grab my phone and start texting other people to make other plans. and that sometimes she takes it personally. it hurt to hear it but i am also so grateful that she shared it with me, so that i can be more mindful of this. so that we can be closer for it. so i can learn to be still and mindful and present.

i do hate this trait in me - forever interrupting other people, sometimes an inability to focus, to listen. i look at other people at the magazine - i admire the way they sit so comfortable in their own skin. their stillness, their sureness. focus. they know what they want i suppose, and they are rooted in this knowing.

but she says i should not wish that upon myself. that i should just attempt to harness what i take from my shiftiness. she says: "a lot can be gained even from inattention."

on a positive note, I got the apprenticeship at KPFA. I was very surprised. Last night was our first meeting and it feels good, the group of us, from all paths of life, all backgrounds, to sit together and share our thoughts. I have a lot to learn. A lot of work to do. But I think it will be a great opportunity to grow and gain practical skills and learn to put a story together. and to listen to theirs.