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Denis makes a mean soup.

home, i, me, my

I'm discovering myself again in the music I used to listen to and the things i used to read and write. its funny to rediscover yourself like this, having being buried in someone elses world, in their domestic life, their records, their food. this is not a bad thing - let me emphasize. i use spices i never used before - i use dill as often as possible. i fucking love tea. especially the funky mixed tea with black and green tea together and rose petals. but to hear again the songs that used to guide me, and read the poets who used to form my world, it is so refreshing. to dream again of home.

letter to j

i did it! i know its not a big deal for anyone else - but it is for me, these days small things mean the world to me. I stayed up till 4 last night drowning myself in TV and internet and youtube and meditating on how i'm letting my life slip away and how i should be able to go to bed as soon as i'm tired and wake up in the morning and live everyday. and i shocked myself. I was able to pull myself out of bed at 8am and catch the marshutka/train all the way up to chkalovsky to hop on the circus bus back down to pavlosk. i photographed the event and although they are not the amazing shots i took before I'm just proud that i got my ass down there and shot and talked to the volunteer who's in charge right now about my plans to go back to the states and work out some kind of grant with SOROS to help raise money for these guys. thats one of my ideas. It's true - i'll come back here from time to time but i know now that its time to explore other parts of the world. there is so much more to see than this sappy gray city. Larisa the art director of the circus said in the busride back "why are you so dependent on russia?" and she's brought it up before and she's absolutely right, and thats why, i told her , i'm on my way out, because i need to see some other places.

but most of all, im learning that i want to work with people that are interested in helping people/ improving the state of the world. before it was a pipe dream and now it is just a fact of life. i remember discussions with you where you were all torn up about having to help people - make the world more equal and I agree, there just has to be a way to do what you love and help the world at the same time. you feel me? i think you do cause i think you're doing it.

fleur

Letter to Mom about buying ticket back to the US

It's very hard to press the button. It's very hard to move. Despite how much I want it I'm sure you can understand - my life here as become easy - clients call me to teach them English for 20-30 bucks and hour (mostly just means talking to them), and I record advertisings for phone companies, translate website, do photoshoots, and DJ - free drinks and 40 bucks a night. I have a free friend haircutter, connections at the St. Petersburg Times, the homeless agency, the child circus, Russian and American friends, discount cards at restaurants, and free entrance to night clubs. You see? I will have this all if I ever want to come back, but it truly is daunting to leave it and start again from scratch.

Ha.

Sara