Friday, September 26, 2008

Airplane log: NYC to Istanbul June 2002



People can’t fly anymore without recalling that image of a 747 flying into the world trade. It’s an image perpetually fresh in our minds, a permanent picture-file catalogued in our collective database. When I look at the blank monitors on the plane, and everyone around me tucked away in sleep, wrapped up in identical blankets, knocked out by the lowered levels of oxygen, I see the image pop up on the screen again like it did for a week, playing on loop like a trendy new music video. DeLillo was right, we all get some kind of deep kick from watching human catastrophes on a large scale. The power of the present moment rarely reveals itself to America on any kind of intimate basis. People in China die. US embassies in Africa get blown up. The Palestinians send in suicide bombers. But New York is ours, they said, our king, with every rook, pawn, knight, and castle standing firm. New York goes down in the permanent archives.

I hate when they lower the oxygen. Everyone else falls into a coma but I just get a migraine. My head starts rolling like it does after days without sleep. Ideas spontaneously emerge in the strange space of a silent sleeping city, crawling through the thin air between the stratosphere and space itself. All of a sudden all your ideas seem urgently important. But it’s only because you are writing them under this oxygen-deprived cave-man condition. There is something almost ancient and holy about all of it. Back in the day nomads and Native Americans huddled around fires in tee-pee villages. Up here in the sky, purses and money pouches is our fuel. We jingle our jewelry and sleep; hibernate together, our ghostly breaths and nose-hummings mesh together into a celestial amen. We are the elite, we have gathered here to pray. We just don’t know it.

Monday, September 22, 2008

07.03.05


it is my task to not think of
you a hundred times a day;
to occupy myself with the quotidian,
the spiritual even,
but not you.
and if it comes up in conversation
by association or conjecture, "you",
it is to be a kind of mourning
a kind of letting go.
i wish there were a contract
that i could sign, telling me
in small or large font that
if my love were true enough,
that i could trust that my
number would come up one of
these dayz. that somehow by
default the sun would rise 700
days from now, & you would
return & i, i'd be figured out,
everything finally okay like a
bath filled with water warm
& ready for displacement.

january 2004



the sound of thunder can only
make me think that the
whole world is inside of
a huge paper bag.
the sky stretched overhead
like a plush electric-
blanket, quiverring with
the collective charge of
24 million energizer bunnies.
we all march around like
that, trying to look well-
acquainted to the earth.

march 2003



Angled & snipped
like paper snowflake
remake my heart
every day
origami heart
origami eyes
i shall not suffer the
same demons
i shall walk straight lines
the language of small talk is
leaving my lips
Jack Kerouac has moved in
again, colonized my ears
like honeycombs. dripping the
saliva of golden hornet-soldiers
Bukowski has moved in again.
Ginsberg. do not bite your tongue
at me sir. i'm repainting the
town brown. turning over the
soil & putting down new
bulbs.

shortcomings of mankind (may 2004)

1. airports
2. tv guides
3. elections
4. telephones
5. academia
6. suicide
7. crushes
8. college tuition
9. time crunch
10. stomach acid

saturday oct. 9th 2004



but every once in a while there comes
this most amazing day that unravels
out before you like a neverending red
carpet. you recall the memories like
they was last year and by the time your
head hits the pillow your cheeks
are flushed. heart embers still hot.
you sink into the other world
as easy as you sunk into
this one. there are good days.

wednesday, early August 2004



3 strikes. strikes
across the heart
and you're out.

three strikes
why did i even
attempt

i come home. come
home. you break my
heart everytime. you
make me cry. i had to
get drunk before i could
see you each time. bar
tender knew it was
bad news. i saw it in
his eyes.

maybe she is better. i can
accept that. the dark
eyes. the strapless shirts.
she's got it - i see it -
but it still doesn't give you the
right to sit there silent
& make me feel like i
don't exist - i guess this is
where people move on. they
say - i've got mine, &
you've got yours. so long.

i found you, in a city of millions. sitting at
the bar where jimmy said you would be sitting.
sitting with your lady love drinking the same
whiskey you always drank, discussing matters of
business. worried they'll make your life hell
for stealing half a bottle of olive oil. you
see me - greet me, but again there's nothing
to say. i just got back from russia
again & i'm doing the rounds.

yes, you're part of the rounds, believe it or
not - i don't know why now. there'll
be no more crawling back now, boy.
i see it now clearly as day - we can't
be friends in this world that's getting
more & more scatterred. my heart
thunders these days but i feel more
human walking the earth alone anyway
i don't remember how to walk with
someone else.

i wrapped my feet so they
wouldn't blister. i drank plenty
before i let my best friend call
you on the phone, but it's the
same shit everytime. the same
disappointment. do you remember
what it's like to be alone? i've
always been like this, since i
can remember. i can't afford you
making it all hurtful again.
so, yes. goodbye. i know you've
already said it years ago, in her
arms & eyes. but i say it now with
confidence. i'm broken. you have
jumped ship. it's tragic, but
the ocean is infinite.

so this is it, right? what day is
today? it's wednesday. early august. and
i don't think my heart breaks anymore
i'm at a loss for words, though. i don't
really feel like it's a sensation that's
even worth writing about either, because
life is so manic. schitzophrenic like the
weather, it's probably kind of like the
feeling you get from fasting for a
long time or being oxygen-deprived
from climbing at high altitude. it's
the spit in the back of your throat &
then suddenly your tongue is numb & you
are no longer the mind looking out
through your eyes. all of a sudden
your visual perception, you notice, is
now in a separate place from your
mental processes. as if someone
started projecting a movie in your
head from behind your eyes.
you never walked
into the theater, though. you never
even bought a ticket.

welcome to the desert


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"Your a traveler at heart. There will be many journeys."


the grammar was off, but the fortune
cookie was right
as was Rushina when she told
me back in Petersburg
once you know what you want
clearly one thing above all
other things
write it down on a piece of
paper
it will come true
she wrote down: a man
i wrote down: Egypt

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

that feeling

do you get that feeling
once you've had a drink
and there's a couple in front of you
and they are all touchy feely
the guy is kissing her on the cheek
and rubbing her arm or holding her hand
i am getting to that place where i
really need arms around me
do you get that feeling?
like you are going to fall into the arms
of the first person that is acceptable.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

sept 7



emptied out and alone like
every sunday morning. i
greet the world pale and
underslept from some
couple's couch or friend's bed
i carry a sense of lostness
that no one seems to
be able to relate to.
a visitor?
a future resident - regular?
how long can it last? a year?