Duh.

So it turns out I shot two corporative parties using a flash that was meant for a film camera. How I accomplished this rare act, I do not know. I just remember these two parties as being excruciatingly painful, my flash screen was blinking the whole time so I had no control over the flash itself and it was overall a very uncomfortable situation. I also shot the whole thing with a portrait lens (50mm 1.4) so at least half of the pictures are totally out of focus. In addition to this, I shot at 1600 ISO resulting in horribly grainy photos with those weird miscolored dots everywhere. "Professional" - that's me.

I have one more party to shoot tomorrow - thankfully this time I'm using a cheap SIGMA flash I borrowed from a friend. I have little anxiety about this party, even though I am a little feverish. It will be from 3-6 in the afternoon as opposed to 7-12 and it will be much more relaxed and with a good DJ.

Hoping I can recover from whatever sickness I have this time, and be somewhat normal by Monday, so I can at least enjoy a little celebration myself. I seem to always be sick in Russia. All it takes is to be a little underslept, and out walking from task to task in the cold. That's it. My immunity is nill. I blame it on not being breast-fed, which is my own damn fault for having some weird blood incompatibility with my mother when I was born, and throwing her into a coma.

I feel that this year's celebration will be much better than last years. All in all, this is my 4th new years celebration in Russia. The first new year's was when I came here for school, the second was when I came to visit Jesse, the third was last year, and this is number four. All of them have been poor, so I don't have high expectations, although something tells me this one will be joyous.

Russian balls and corporative party time

I'm feeling totally scatterred to the wind. I've just finished shooting my second corporative party and I feel pretty awful. While I'm relieved that 2 are down and there's just 2 to go, I have to say that this feeling or this taste it's left in my mouth is pretty bad. I suppose I'm coming to terms with why I really need photography in my life. Not to make money or pay the bills, but to preserve memories and feelings that I cannot let get away. And so after five hours of shooting the new Russian rich in a huge palace on the Moika canal, I feel like my soul has been scooped out spoon my spoon with a grapefruit spoon.

I want to write it all out. To write down the details of the last couple of days and get it all out of me so that I can put it away. In between the fighting with Denis there are losing critical items - like the battery charger I needed to shoot today's party, and then running furiously around the city in search of such items, with a violent hangover and little sleep under my eyes. It is 5 hours of shooting picture after picture only to have a person tell you that you have a problem with focus. But really, I wanted to tell him, and I did, shooting with a portrait lens - I just couldn't get anything in perfect focus and when I put on my other lenses (cheap pieces I bought over ebay years ago for 60 bucks) I just couldn't get any lighting that I liked. So I guess I'm learning the hardway that I need to invest not only in a new camera but a couple really great lenses.

Some people at the party - a man and this crazy woman from the Ukraine - they kept trying to talk me into going out with him and it was quite terrifying, I don't know why - I just had a horrible feeling about these two - the man, he was devilish - handsome in a way - but he had this smile that screamed DANGER - and he reminded me of the Devil in Master and Margarita, waltzing all over this palace and full of dangerous vibes.

Because of the last two days I've been a horrible person to Denis, forever nervous, forever in a bad mood, it is my way of dealing with the anxiety of taking on a job I'm not ready for, throwing myself to the wind, I do have a tendency to be a bad partner in this way. But I'm not the only sinner - yesterday when I finished my first gig, let me remind you - it was the longest 4-5 hours of my life. I finished shooting my 849th picture and I grabbed my money and my things and ran out into the night and quickly called Denis - feeling like the most enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders and now I could go join my own people and finally put the camera down that was rubbing a blister into my hand. But Denis was drinking with a friend and tried to sway me by saying I'd be bored and I asked him straight away am I understanding you right? That you don't want me to be there with you? And I don't know - it was just an important day for me - the equivalent of a musicians first live concert and I was ready to let the edge go with a couple of drinks with him but I quickly understood that this wasn't going to happen.

A childish kind of disappointment, he apologized and begged me not to be offended and did everything a good person does I guess, but it didn't really make me feel too much better. It was alright though because I ended up meeting with my good friend Alexei and we exploded the night with Irish Car Bombs, Suicidal Blondes, and other strange beverages you never tried. We had a great time and great conversation and I was supremely happy and could care less if the bill for our drinks came to over 60 dollars. We did it.

I would like to describe all the details of shooting this Russian ball tonight - but I don't have the energy to get through it. I have to clean up the pile of crap I've dumped in the other room so I look like a respectable member of this household and no fights are started over my messiness.

At large, I have a lot to learn.

letter to my family

Hey guys I'm really truly sorry about Sunday. I had it all planned out so that I wouldn't forget - and then I forgot. It was late and dark here and we ate some pasta and turned on a movie and my brain turned off. I hope you don't think that this means that I'm not thinking about you - cause it's not true. I feel horrible about the Skype incident - and I was really looking forward to talking to everyone at once. Trust me, it would have been just as cathartic for me as it might have been for you, if not moreso - to see everyone at once. You've all been in my dreams a lot lately and I can't wait to get back to be with you again.

Sometimes I get worried about where I'll live in America or what jobs I'll be able to find, or what programs I should be applying to - I have these moments of panic, and then it all comes back to me - my self-confidence and telling myself - its cool. Give er time. I'm making progress in my life at my own pace and I'm proud of myself (not all the times, but in moments of revelation or something). It's really important to love what you are doing I've learned - otherwise you fall into a bottomless pit of self-doubt and anxiety about your life. Yeah - sometimes I do look at my life and wonder - am I making progress here? Or am I just procrastinating? Am i doing what I said i would do? Of course, I'm not always happy with the answers, but i think that as long as I put the energy out there I think things will come together in the end. I just gotta keep making baby steps in the right direction. Work for experience, not money. That's critical - and I haven't gotten there yet.

I see how your lives are all progressing and sometimes I'm jealous of the stability you seem to have. I know that sounds silly and its not altogether true, I do enjoy these strange situations I put myself in, but I also sometimes wonder - when am I going to have a home? a big awesome kitchen? steady job? a car? a family of my own? and so on. Anywho, I think it takes time. Some people don't get to a place where they are happy with what they are doing until they are in their middle ages. middle ages? i think i meant mid-life. or something.

Why I am I going on a big long rant? I guess I feel like I really let you down and i just want you to know whats going on with me and that I actually think about you all a lot more than you know. I hope you can forgive my lame disappointment. If you ever wanna call me when I'm not on skype there's a thing where you can call regular phones through skype. It works great. You just put like 5 bucks on your skype account and it lasts forever. then you can dial my number (7 812 420 7128) and it doesnt matter where i am or what i'm doing i can get your call. just try and remember that im 8 hours ahead.

Big love, and look forward to talking to you i hope....

Sara

letter to layla

I'm sorry for the shallowness off my interview answers. I felt bad having given the whole interview and not saying damn thing about Russia and the real reason for my love affair with her. And that is evident in the pictures I think. On my first trip to Russia I would walk around with a Baltika (beer) strung to my hip and my camera in hand. the Baltika was enough to take away my hesistancy to shoot photos of total strangers. and even ask - in my most primitive Russian, from looking it up in a book. "mozhno?" i was totally in love with the way things looked. i just wandered around with eyes gaping open at this world. this world that was somehow half built and the way the sun hit the whole thing and the way people carried themselves. i'm sure you can understand this feeling. i was very jealous of jesse when he went away to russia. in a way , he outdid me. he stayed for a whole year. and he left me in new york. that sounds funny, but i was kind of broken over that. certainly i am still very confused about all of it. forever writing letters in my head to him, trying to make sense of the last 2 years. what happened in me and why i did what i did. and while i would gladly take his hand in marriage and have his babies, i feel calm around him lately. when we are all together. as if it is okay - the fact that he has moved on and has no need of relationships. i feel like i can wait.

but i did not say much about russia did i. or my real heart. so i hope you make a sequel. but more importantly, i just want you to know that those answers i gave are quite shallow answers. and im sure you understand they speak little about how complex it all is.

love

fleur