for the past four years i've had boyfriends and lived in far-away places. it is my security blanket against the world. it is my way of being sheltered.
find myself crying my eyes out as i count down the days. clinging to this beautiful person next to me. i know its for the better, but what else can you do when someone is taking your security blanket away from you?
these past two years i've been particularly well off. my boyfriend is the kind any woman in her right mind would marry in a second. sensitive, thoughtful, the best listener in the world, engaged, can carry on a conversation with anyone, poly-lingual, handsome, smart, compassionate, self-less, generous, traveled, confident, it goes on and on. hell, he's even a photographer and artist. ??? too good to be true, right? perhaps it will hit me when he leaves me in new york in two weeks. not right away. but a couple weeks later.
when i sit across from him at a table over dinner and he's chatting away with our co-worker next to him - having an engaged, adult conversation. i know this is what he needs - a sophisticated woman. someone who's comfortable in their own skin. sincere about their work. an adult. i sit at the table feeling like their teenage kid, interjecting their serious conversation with questions that have nothing to do with what anyone is talking about. "where'd you get that shirt? did you buy it at the same place? in cairo?" i hear myself and cringe. what's wrong with me?
he will find that person. the person who is on the same page as him - who is comfortable with life. who never panics or can't sleep from anxiety. they will have children together. i can't be that person right now. not until i fling off the security blanket and go do what i have to do. give me four years. then, i'll be ready. i swear.
