nose to grindstone; grindstone to the ground

I've gotten a couple letters recently - most of them of the "so what's going on?" variety. It seems I've managed to write a lot on this blog but I've missed conveying what's actually going on with me and what it's like to live here.

2009 thus far has been a year of sickness and exhaustion. I haven't conveyed that because I myself was trying to drive through it and didn't want to admit it. But the truth is I've been sick more often then healthy, with bouts that last for several weeks.

I'm rather fed up with it. Throat raw. Limbs heavy. No energy. Little desire to mingle with my co-workers. Barely enough energy to make it through the day. One day weeks ago, I thought it was on the way out today and then I slept for 12 hours, got up, showered, got dressed, ate lunch and went back to bed. Not feeling it.

I guess I've avoided writing about it because I don't want to meditate on it and I don't like myself in this state. Everyday is the same - up at 6.45, to work at 7.15, back at 2. Shower, eat lunch, try to fall asleep and take something for head. sleep until evening. get up. work on talatat (process photographs and upload to server for the Egyptologists), eat dinner. work on talatat. sleep. repeat.

The hardest part about this is that there is so much going on here. If I were coming into this place with the sole purpose of shooting - I would have endless resources - life on the Nile, the orphanage that I discovered not so long ago, the Copts vs. the Christians, gender issues (big time), the whole gamut of important and interesting social documentary projects. Having to shoot blocks every day for 6 hours and then edit them on a computer for 3 more kind of destroys me in a sense - slowly I've come to run purely on auto-pilot; I'm getting through the days, I guess you could say, but the "I" isn't all there - isn't the same. I also noticed that up until yesterday I haven't written a damn thing for myself - more evidence of the fact that I've locked up inside. I make lists of things I intend to do in my spare time but the weekends are typically filled with sleeping, catching up, and trying to break out of this stuckness with some activity out of the house.

So - I want to apologize - I need to do something to come back down to earth, to get healthy, to feel like a person again and once I do that I can be a good friend again. I'm really fortunate to have people that care about me and ask and genuinely want to know how it's going and what it's like and I want to be able to do a better job of conveying that. Sometimes it requires waking up and putting the pen down onto the paper - there are some things computers can't capture first hand. (This was originally written in my book for the sole purpose of getting it out onto the paper and copied into this blog).

So what is it like? Right now it's not so good because I'm on autopilot, feet dragging, there is no time or energy for exercise, for Arabic, for photography, for writing, for love, for bike riding. But I will get out of this.

Owen is good, he is trying to figure out a way to bring me back. Obviously I'm the only one who can do this. His uncle and cousin are going and a 3-day feluca trip in Aswan is in route. Not sure what this will be like - I don't want to put on a face. I can only be myself now. I hope the water and the fresh air cure me and I can be a pleasant person to be around again.

I'll try to write about what it's like to live in Luxor, Egypt in my next post. Give me some time.