but im going to take this opportunity to write. because whenever i'm supposed to be sleeping i don't, and whenever i'm not supposed to be sleeping, i sleep. so fuck it, i guess that's just how i am.
every once in a while, i totally break down. it's part of being me. it usually involves a mixture of sleep deprivation, or just generally always feeling tired, sadness in a depression kind of way, and then all of this almost always leads to some kind of serious sickness. it's my body's way of saying - "here, go take a friggin vacation already, you're hardly doing anything as it is". so here i am with tonsillitis and this is going to sound fucked up but i was actually really grateful when i finally pointed the hot lamp down my throat to find pussy white lumps. because i've been feeling gradually more horrible for a long time. and it went beyond the feeling like i had a pill stuck in my throat, or some sick that wanted to come up. and seeing those little white lumps verified for me that, yes, something is in fact wrong with you, you haven't imagined all of this. it's not all in your head.
because the thing is, i usually start thinking about things - about my life, and then at some point i become convinced that i'm taking the easy road out. that i'm side-stepping my real goals. that in some small way i'm giving up without ever owning up to the fact that i'm giving up.
i mean, ever since i was about 15 or so i knew photography was it for me. i went to one of those summer programs where you do a bunch of artsy stuff and i took a little photo course and i met a photographer and i saw his work and he did a little slideshow of other important photography and i was sold. so for 10 years now i've played with this thing i call my camera and i guess you could say i've done pretty well for myself but sometimes i get convinced that you know i'm always going to be just scraping by and that i don't have the balls to step up to the plate and actually become a real photojournalist. I originally envisioned myself as some Nachtway type, some Shutterbabe character, some Dan Eldon type chick running around post-Soviet Russian republics, the Middle East and Africa, falling in love with photography and people over and over again. Part of me has lived this life, but most of the time I fall victim to the other part of me which insists that I have given up and then I only take the path of least resistance - in this case, a job that requires me to do nothing more than photograph a 16,000 set of homogenous ancient stones over the course of two years simply because it provides a steady income and a home away from America. That part of me will say the same thing for the relationship that I am in - saying that I merely followed the path of least resistance, that something fell in to my lap - something so good, something that makes my life so comfortable, that I took it up without asking myself if it was actually something I could dedicate my heart to.
at some point, my self-esteem just started doing a full on spiraling-down thing following this line of thinking. collapsing in itself exponentially like some dead star farting itself out of existence. i stopped being able to talk, i stopped being able to enjoy myself, and started dragging through each day wondering what was to become of me if this were to go on for another year.
i guess at some point you just make a decision to trust yourself. you decide that you are going to make shit happen and you act on that decision, because really, what else is there? it's so easy for me to fester away in the notion that i am going nowhere with this and that i've made amuck of a glorious opportunity. everyday i see things on the street that if photographed properly, would make for amazing photographs.
in any case, i have at least one more day to sleep and eat antibiotics before going back to work and i'm going to soak it up. my shit is tired.
2 comments:
i feel the same way all the time. when you have goals that are difficult to quantify, it's like training for a marathon (but this marathon goes on forever).
i guess it goes like this: you decided you're going to run a mile. eventually you can do that. eventually you can do five, and anything you've done up to that point (1,2,3,4) doesn't seem like such a big deal. and even when you get up pretty high, let's say 15 miles or whatever, you look back on it and just "whatever, i did that, no big deal." the more you do, the less you care because you know how much more there is to do. especially when you want to keep pushing yourself to do more.
unlike exercise, these life things don't have an established end-point. so from the runner's perspective, they just keep running. or worse yet, they keep running and don't recognize the progress they've made.
i've seen your photos. they're dope. i've been checking them out for a while. in fact, just yesterday i spent an evening chatting about old friends with layla and elliot. they felt the same way. so you've made an impact as a photographer on at least 3 people (and i'm willing to bet more).
maybe some quantifiable goals would help. for me it's standard language tests at the moment. maybe you can find something similar with photography? sending things to papers and what not.
My dearest daughter.
You will never live enough and never do enough with your life to make up for the life your father was never able to live. I hope you find some measure of peace and learn to love what and who is in front of you. It is wonderful to have goals and aim yourself in that direction, but to chronically torture yourself feels so sad to me and such a waste of joy.
I love you and think you are amazing!
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