Saturday, May 16, 2009

i should be sleeping

but im going to take this opportunity to write. because whenever i'm supposed to be sleeping i don't, and whenever i'm not supposed to be sleeping, i sleep. so fuck it, i guess that's just how i am.

every once in a while, i totally break down. it's part of being me. it usually involves a mixture of sleep deprivation, or just generally always feeling tired, sadness in a depression kind of way, and then all of this almost always leads to some kind of serious sickness. it's my body's way of saying - "here, go take a friggin vacation already, you're hardly doing anything as it is". so here i am with tonsillitis and this is going to sound fucked up but i was actually really grateful when i finally pointed the hot lamp down my throat to find pussy white lumps. because i've been feeling gradually more horrible for a long time. and it went beyond the feeling like i had a pill stuck in my throat, or some sick that wanted to come up. and seeing those little white lumps verified for me that, yes, something is in fact wrong with you, you haven't imagined all of this. it's not all in your head.

because the thing is, i usually start thinking about things - about my life, and then at some point i become convinced that i'm taking the easy road out. that i'm side-stepping my real goals. that in some small way i'm giving up without ever owning up to the fact that i'm giving up.

i mean, ever since i was about 15 or so i knew photography was it for me. i went to one of those summer programs where you do a bunch of artsy stuff and i took a little photo course and i met a photographer and i saw his work and he did a little slideshow of other important photography and i was sold. so for 10 years now i've played with this thing i call my camera and i guess you could say i've done pretty well for myself but sometimes i get convinced that you know i'm always going to be just scraping by and that i don't have the balls to step up to the plate and actually become a real photojournalist. I originally envisioned myself as some Nachtway type, some Shutterbabe character, some Dan Eldon type chick running around post-Soviet Russian republics, the Middle East and Africa, falling in love with photography and people over and over again. Part of me has lived this life, but most of the time I fall victim to the other part of me which insists that I have given up and then I only take the path of least resistance - in this case, a job that requires me to do nothing more than photograph a 16,000 set of homogenous ancient stones over the course of two years simply because it provides a steady income and a home away from America. That part of me will say the same thing for the relationship that I am in - saying that I merely followed the path of least resistance, that something fell in to my lap - something so good, something that makes my life so comfortable, that I took it up without asking myself if it was actually something I could dedicate my heart to.

at some point, my self-esteem just started doing a full on spiraling-down thing following this line of thinking. collapsing in itself exponentially like some dead star farting itself out of existence. i stopped being able to talk, i stopped being able to enjoy myself, and started dragging through each day wondering what was to become of me if this were to go on for another year.

i guess at some point you just make a decision to trust yourself. you decide that you are going to make shit happen and you act on that decision, because really, what else is there? it's so easy for me to fester away in the notion that i am going nowhere with this and that i've made amuck of a glorious opportunity. everyday i see things on the street that if photographed properly, would make for amazing photographs.

in any case, i have at least one more day to sleep and eat antibiotics before going back to work and i'm going to soak it up. my shit is tired.

Saturday, May 02, 2009

here comes the sun





Yeah, I live right off this "Avenue of the Sphinxes". I never really get used to it. I mean its several miles of Sphinxes just sitting out there, crumbling, being climbed on, shat on. I'm going to try and upload more video so people can really get a sense of what this place is like. Owen has a little Canon point and shoot, so this comes in handy.

As you can see, it's getting hotter, but things are really going much better. We really only had one week of total hot spell that was unbearable when I wrote that last entry and then it cooled off and I even got to take a 3 day weekend at a resort in Safaga on the Red Sea, where we did a great deal of snorkeling (amazing coral reef), played random word and hand-slapping games with our Parisian friends, including Asshole, and even a lifesize game of chess. I even got to play the new and improved version of Super Mario Brothers on the car trip back. It was dope. Now we are working 6 day weeks but we work 6.30 - 12 on site so while we do have to get up at like 5.30am we can come home as soon as the heat starts to get to us instead of boiling in it and feeling like we might just faint before making it back to the van. So things are good. Only 2 months to go before the project is over and we can come back to swine-flu infested America.

I can't wait. I have some buddies on the West Cost I'm really looking forward to catching up with and a whole lot of family on the East Coast to catch up with, including the newest member of the family - miss Evelyn Karr, born while I was here. My priority beyond visiting friends is to run a river - either in Canada or the States. Originally I heard about the McKenzie River - which takes a whole month to run, and I said - "that's it - let's go". But apparently the pre-planning is just too extensive to make it happen in our appreviated summer. But there are other good river trips to choose from. And if all goes as planned me and Owen will get back to Egypt early so we can do another feluca boat trip with our Nubian friend Khalid. 4 days just wasn't enough. A 2-week trip would be just right. Only problem is that approaching Luxor and anywhere north of it, you can't get in the water without getting skin disease and what not, so the plan to just skip buying a connecting flight and sail from Cairo to Luxor on the way back isn't so appealing to me. Seems a bit like torture to be on a boat for two weeks getting all warmed up by the desert sun but be forbidden to get in the water. So we'll see. There's still time to work it out.

Do you have specific summer plans I should know about ? I wanna know.

Fleur

Friday, May 01, 2009

after you left

i lay awake for whole hours
dead eyes & a faint kidney ache
when you kissed me & left i was
dreaming i had been sent back to college
surrounded by 17 and 18 year olds
terrifying
i could not fall back asleep so i
ate cereal & read the news
there is a bartender from north carolina
who spent a year in darfur
and now he raises money to install
clean water systems in Sudan, Cambodia,
Uganda, & other places.
I would like to help.
there is a 90-year old man who does
not think he will make it to 91 and
he has no problem with that.
he says there is no soul & that after he
dies he will be dead. enough is enough.
he says he will live on only in his children,
in his books, in his reputation.
i think he is correct.