please call me baby

2nd day of sad. just finished my Eddie Adams Workshop application earlier today. went completely mental on it. I had been kind of working on it for weeks now and today i got so mental i had to just throw in the towel and turn it in. next time i gotta just chill out, lock myself in a room, and trust my gutt. not ask everyone and their mom to double, triple check my edit. i'm tired of this forever second guessing myself.

the truth is i'm just hard up for a friend. this is year four of isolation. can't tell you how hard it is sometimes. not being able to pick up a phone and say hey - let's go get a drink, let's go get a sandwich - this one's on me. goddamn.

i'm stocking up on savings. I shouldn't be depressed. should be proud as all hell. i've got all these little jobs on the side too, outside of finishing up at ARCE. Writing for a fodors travel book and a photo shoot for the african bank of development. But it all means nothing if you got no one to share it with.

A tattoo upon my arm: Happiness only real when shared.

resilient

There's a little girl that comes to my door almost every day
now, shouting my name. I give her fruit or water or steal
meat and rice from the research center across the street.
we can barely communicate, but at least i can help her out.
she's forever on the streets going for tourist's money.
her parents live in aswan, probably drug addicts. she has
no shoes. one time she came around with a head wound
and owen washed it out and shaved the hair around it
disinfected it. She was running from the cops and banged
her head running under a car to hide. Later she went to the
hospital and they gave her stitches. She's always happy though,
always smiling. Resilient, really.

lighting out

The word "safari", in Shahili, means "journey"; it has nothing to do with animals. Someone "on safari" is just away and unobtainable and out of touch.

Out of touch in Africa was where I wanted to be. The wish to disappear sends many travelers away. If you are thoroughly sick of being kept waiting at home or at work, travel is perfect: let other people wait for a change. Travel is a sort of revenge for having to leave messages on answering machines, not knowing your party's extension, being kept waiting all your working life -- the homebound writer's irritants. Being kept waiting is the human condition.

I thought, Let other people explain whree I am. I imagined the dialogue:
"When will Paul be back?"
"We don't know."
"Where is he?"
"We're not sure."
"Can we get in touch with him?"
"No."

Travel in the African bush can also be a sort of revenge on cellular phone and fax machines, on telephones and the daily paper, on the creepier aspects of globalization that allow anyone who chooses to get his insinuating hands on you. I desired to be unobtainable...

I was going to Africa for the best reason - in a spirit of discovery; and for the pettiest -- simply to disappear, to light out, with a suggestion of I dare you to try and find me.

Home had become a routine, and routines make time pass quickly. I was a sitting duck in my predictable routine: people knew when to call me; they knew when I would be at my desk. I was in such regular touch it was like having a job, a mode of life I hated. I was sick of being called up and importuned, asked for favors, hit up for money. You stick around too long and people begin to impose their own deadlines on you. "I need this by the twenty-fifth" or "Please read this by Friday" or "Try to finish this over the weekend" or "Let's have a conference call on Wednesday." Call me, fax me, e-mail me. You can get me anytime on my cell phone, here's the number.

Being available at any time in the totally accessible world seemed to me pure horror. It made me want to find a place that was not accessible at all: no phones, no fax machines, not even mail delivery, the wonderful old world of being out of touch. In other words, gone away.

All I had to do was remove myself. I loved not having to ask permission, and in fact in my domestic life things had begun to get a little predictable, too -- Mr. Paul at home every evening when Mrs. Paul came home from work. "I made spaghetti sauce... I seared some tuna... I'm scrubbing some potatoes..." The writer in his apron, perspiring over his bechamel sauce, always within earshot of the telephone. You have to pick it up because it's ringing in your ear.

I wanted to drop out. People said, "Get a cell phone, use FedEx, sign up for Hotmail, stop in at Internet cafes, visit my Web site..."

I said no thanks. The whole point of my leaving was to escape this stuff, to be out of touch. The greatest justification for travel is not self-improvement but rather performing a vanishing act, disappearing without a trace. As Huck put it, lighting out for the territory.

Africa is one of the last great places on earth a person can vanish into. I wanted that. Let them wait. I have been waiting far too many times for far too long.

- Paul Theroux, Dark Star Safari

When comes my moment to untether?

Russia has been in my thoughts again. Here's a well-known passage from Pushkin's Evgenii Onegin that I memorized for the class back at Reed College. It spoke to me, for obvious reasons. Of course it's lost in translation, and I ditched trying to translate it myself because trying to communicate the meaning but keep the rhyming scheme at the same time would take some time, so I've included two different translations here that do the trick. It's mostly the restless feeling of wanting to get out of a place, of hungering heavily to set out. To set out again. I've been trapped inside for what seems like weeks - the heat is here 100 to 115 degrees everyday and up until my date of departure. I've been feeding some fantasies of briefly visiting Russia before returning home to the US, even after I told myself I wouldn't! We'll see. White nights are very much in effect there. As I'm told, it's that time of year again when couples wander the streets into all hours of the night, making out in public and bearing all kind of flesh, where the streets are decorated with broken glass and the scent of urine. i know it doesn't sound like much to you, but I will always be nostalgic for the place.


Придет ли час моей свободы?
Пора, пора! - взываю к ней;
Брожу над морем, жду погоды,
Маню ветрила кораблей.
Под ризой бурь, с волнами споря,
По вольному распутью моря
Когда ж начну я вольный бег?
Пора покинуть скучный брег
Мне неприязненной стихии
И средь полуденных зыбей,
Под небом Африки моей,
Вздыхать о сумрачной России,
Где я страдал, где я любил,
Где сердце я похоронил.


Will ever come my freedom, treasured?
It’s time, It’s time! – I call for this!
Roam by sea; wait for some weather,
And lure sails of the distant ships.
Under the storms, with fast waves vying,
Along the waters, freely lying,
When will I start my blessed race?
It’s time to leave the boring place
Of nature that appears so alien,
And midst my African wide lands,
Between blue skies and flaming sands,
To sigh about Russia, sullen,
Where I had suffered and loved,
Where I had buried my heart.


When comes my moment to untether?
it's time! and freedom hears my hail.
I walk the shore, I watch the weather,
I signal to each passing sail.
Beneath storm's vestment, on the seaway,
battling along that watery freeway,
when shall I start on my escape?
It's time to drop astern the shape
of the dull shores of my disfavour,
and there, beneath your noonday sky,
my Africa, where waves break high,
to mourn for Russia's gloomy savour,
land where I learned to love and weep,
land where my heart is buried deep.