everyday awakenings

sometimes i paint a grim picture when the picture is not so grim. yes i am suffering from chronic headaches, migraines, and pressure in my brain. yes i get an aura that takes over the entire left side of my vision when i do push-ups. but i will see the dr. tomorrow. the things you don't hear about is how i sparred naked with my man until 1.30 in the morning until i knocked the bulb out of his light and the room fell fully dark aside from the blue glow of the mac screen. what you do not hear about is manning the telephones at the radio station or getting stoned in the parking lot with the most exquisite human being i know. you don't hear about the late-night banter about life, the backyard bonfires, kick-boxing, and biking everywhere. yes sometimes the world closes in on me. i never made it to the river this summer, it was a tragedy. i never audited arabic. i never got the job at Berkeley or MECA or Global Exchange. i lost my waitressing job, the farmers market turned me over twice, and the heavy lifting job hasn't come through. but i'm reading the autobiography of Malcolm X and dreaming of the day when my head stops hurting so I can pick up and go back to Africa. So I can take that temp job in Sudan photographing for the UN. So I can go back to that invincible person I once was before I gave my heart away. To men.

We are all responsible for our own happiness, don't get me wrong. I take full responsibility for the last couple weeks of panic and depression. I will run now everytime the fear hits me. The fear of life. The fear of shooting that wedding next year or shooting the guys at the kick-boxing gym. The fear of the fact that I've been on unemployment for a year, that I don't own a car, and I haven't fully come into my own.

Yes I crave the life-partner, the stability, the home, the job, the car. But moreso more than anything I crave self-contentedness, self-assurity. Confidence. Pride. Self-respect.

Hear me out all friends who have known great desperation and most difficult times. WE ARE ALL IN THE GUTTER at moments. Sometimes we cannot always see the stars. But they are burning up there to remind us that the impossible is only possible when you can convince yourself thus. That is, we can have it all, all we need to do is hold onto hope. Pretend the world is a nicer place than it is. Put all our chips down on the optimists, on the people who take the time to say thank you and please and ask you how you are doing and call to check in on you. There is so much to learn from those people.