I'm feeling totally scatterred to the wind. I've just finished shooting my second corporative party and I feel pretty awful. While I'm relieved that 2 are down and there's just 2 to go, I have to say that this feeling or this taste it's left in my mouth is pretty bad. I suppose I'm coming to terms with why I really need photography in my life. Not to make money or pay the bills, but to preserve memories and feelings that I cannot let get away. And so after five hours of shooting the new Russian rich in a huge palace on the Moika canal, I feel like my soul has been scooped out spoon my spoon with a grapefruit spoon.
I want to write it all out. To write down the details of the last couple of days and get it all out of me so that I can put it away. In between the fighting with Denis there are losing critical items - like the battery charger I needed to shoot today's party, and then running furiously around the city in search of such items, with a violent hangover and little sleep under my eyes. It is 5 hours of shooting picture after picture only to have a person tell you that you have a problem with focus. But really, I wanted to tell him, and I did, shooting with a portrait lens - I just couldn't get anything in perfect focus and when I put on my other lenses (cheap pieces I bought over ebay years ago for 60 bucks) I just couldn't get any lighting that I liked. So I guess I'm learning the hardway that I need to invest not only in a new camera but a couple really great lenses.
Some people at the party - a man and this crazy woman from the Ukraine - they kept trying to talk me into going out with him and it was quite terrifying, I don't know why - I just had a horrible feeling about these two - the man, he was devilish - handsome in a way - but he had this smile that screamed DANGER - and he reminded me of the Devil in Master and Margarita, waltzing all over this palace and full of dangerous vibes.
Because of the last two days I've been a horrible person to Denis, forever nervous, forever in a bad mood, it is my way of dealing with the anxiety of taking on a job I'm not ready for, throwing myself to the wind, I do have a tendency to be a bad partner in this way. But I'm not the only sinner - yesterday when I finished my first gig, let me remind you - it was the longest 4-5 hours of my life. I finished shooting my 849th picture and I grabbed my money and my things and ran out into the night and quickly called Denis - feeling like the most enormous weight had been lifted from my shoulders and now I could go join my own people and finally put the camera down that was rubbing a blister into my hand. But Denis was drinking with a friend and tried to sway me by saying I'd be bored and I asked him straight away am I understanding you right? That you don't want me to be there with you? And I don't know - it was just an important day for me - the equivalent of a musicians first live concert and I was ready to let the edge go with a couple of drinks with him but I quickly understood that this wasn't going to happen.
A childish kind of disappointment, he apologized and begged me not to be offended and did everything a good person does I guess, but it didn't really make me feel too much better. It was alright though because I ended up meeting with my good friend Alexei and we exploded the night with Irish Car Bombs, Suicidal Blondes, and other strange beverages you never tried. We had a great time and great conversation and I was supremely happy and could care less if the bill for our drinks came to over 60 dollars. We did it.
I would like to describe all the details of shooting this Russian ball tonight - but I don't have the energy to get through it. I have to clean up the pile of crap I've dumped in the other room so I look like a respectable member of this household and no fights are started over my messiness.
At large, I have a lot to learn.
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