letter to j

i did it! i know its not a big deal for anyone else - but it is for me, these days small things mean the world to me. I stayed up till 4 last night drowning myself in TV and internet and youtube and meditating on how i'm letting my life slip away and how i should be able to go to bed as soon as i'm tired and wake up in the morning and live everyday. and i shocked myself. I was able to pull myself out of bed at 8am and catch the marshutka/train all the way up to chkalovsky to hop on the circus bus back down to pavlosk. i photographed the event and although they are not the amazing shots i took before I'm just proud that i got my ass down there and shot and talked to the volunteer who's in charge right now about my plans to go back to the states and work out some kind of grant with SOROS to help raise money for these guys. thats one of my ideas. It's true - i'll come back here from time to time but i know now that its time to explore other parts of the world. there is so much more to see than this sappy gray city. Larisa the art director of the circus said in the busride back "why are you so dependent on russia?" and she's brought it up before and she's absolutely right, and thats why, i told her , i'm on my way out, because i need to see some other places.

but most of all, im learning that i want to work with people that are interested in helping people/ improving the state of the world. before it was a pipe dream and now it is just a fact of life. i remember discussions with you where you were all torn up about having to help people - make the world more equal and I agree, there just has to be a way to do what you love and help the world at the same time. you feel me? i think you do cause i think you're doing it.

fleur