Russia is such a strange place for the first week or so of January. People are universally unreachable, don't pick up their phones and are generally out of contact. It is undefined when they will return to work, when they will even be able to remember what day it is. I have been getting to bed late, around 4am and rising around 2 or 3pm. That leaves one hour of light. Not so hot for someone who is sitting at home all day by themselves.
I don't really know how to be happy for Denis when he calls from Switzerland. He always asks how I am and is very kind and notes that yes, I have a cold and offers help and asks about my day. But when its always the same thing, and he notes the tone in my voice, the "fuck you tone". He tells me about how they snowboarded all day and now they're up in the mountains and about to play a concert at this beautiful venue there where John Lennon once went to hang out with his wife (he just read that in the biography of Lennon I bought him for New Year's). I cannot be excited or happy for him though. "You're in a really bad mood, what's that all about?" It's always the same questions and my lack of answers. "I'm fine, just sick of sitting at home by myself." So I am a bitch. I hang up the phone and I'm generally frustrated because I thought I'd gotten over this being mad thing, but I cannot seem to have a conversation with him where I don't hang up the phone and he is upset with me for being so mean and I'm upset with myself for being like this. I don't know. I guess I've realized about a year ago that the situation doesn't work for me as a person, that I need to be away from this life where one of us is off doing things and seeing things and the other is always stuck and always depressed.
But the point is I'm not depressed I guess it's just that when he calls and I'm sitting in this dark room as I always am, tapping away on this computer, I wonder sometimes, what could I possibly say "Hope your concert goes well! How was the mountain? Did you snowboard well? Sounds rad!" I just cant be that person. I guess its mostly about me sending him a signal that this is not OK. Or that I'm not happy with the situation or whatever. If you can imagine - it's been going on for one and half years, so it's not going to change.
But it doesn't matter, I always hang up the phone feeling bad. "Do you miss me?" he asks and I don't know how to answer that question either.
I write back an SMS: "I'm okay you know and I don't try to be mean and you aren't doing anything wrong by calling... I just can't bring myself to be happy for you when it's always the same situation. You are always very kind and considerate and I always come across as a bitch and I feel bad afterwards. But I don't know what to say sometimes. It feels so unfair sometimes to hear about how great it is where you are. I hope you understand."
I had wanted to write a 2nd: "Of course I miss you. You are always away from me. Now I want to get away." But I caved in and just wrote "Whatever, I'm over it, I'm making good art and of course I miss you."
After all this I get a response a couple minutes later: "OK Malipus (the equivalent of babydoll i suppose) sleep tide :)" Yes, with the stupid smiley face attached and the incorrect spelling of 'tight'. It's nine oclock. If he were listening to me when I was talking to him on the phone he would have known that lately I'm going to bed somewhere around 4am. So this message kind of just struck me as - "ok, my little stupid girlfriend, go to sleep now, I'm going to go snort another line of coke and drink another shot and go on stage and play my rock and roll now. Nighty night." I donno about you but its moments like this when I know this isn't the person for me. Conversation, serious conversation, is something that me and Denis don't have. I know it's just an SMS message, but this is Fleur here - you know, I am an emotional sensitive person that needs to be able to talk things through with people and in our case, it's just not there at all.
PHew. Got that out. Now I can move onto something else. [Happy face here.]
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